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my name is david

Failure

Failure.

So yesterday, I found out that I was, in fact, a failure. I’d failed to get into further education, I didn’t have a job, or any money, I didn’t have Dan, Doug or Chris. To top things off, I’d attempted to cut my hair myself- leaving me with a rough and jagged fringe that makes me look like an extra out of a violent NYC thug flick. Oh, and I suffer from a rare brain condition that renders me allergic to light.

Lovely.

Every coin has two sides. I’ve come a long way. I’ve achieved all my goals I set in counselling at the beginning of the year. I’m supposed to feel better, be reborn into this capable new being. And actually… I have been. Okay, okay. I know; I’m not going to win any awards anytime soon, and I’m certainly not wonderwoman. But;I read a book. Dyslexia - Achieving.

I’m going to start fighting again, I think. And by fighting, I mean it merely as a metaphore. No fisticuffs will be involved. Except with my inner turmoil.

One mildy depressing blog post about depression later, and I feel like it’s time to turn a new page.

So many metaphores… So little time.

A little note before bedtime

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. That’s not without good reason, though- I’ve been going through depression. It’s hard, there’s no way around it, nor are there any shortcuts. Imagine treacle. Now imagine trying to swim through it, while also dragging a sack full of bricks behind you; it feels a lot like that. That word is a apt one, you know? Treacle. Molasses- It’s thick, dark, you can’t move through it very well, and it tastes good in cakes. 

Things have been slow the past couple of months. I can’t tell a lie- It’s very frustrating. I’m sick of being sick, and I’m tired of being tired. This february it’ll be a year since I was diagnosed with depression. A year on, and I’ve come a long way, I’ve learn’t ever such a lot- but one of the things I’ve learnt is that I could be in this for the long haul. I could feel like this for years to come. I don’t want to, but, that may be the case. I don’t want to live my life with depression.

You see, if I were to live my life with depression, I would feel terribly numb. Hell, I already feel terribly numb, but the prospect of feeling this way for years to come isn’t a nice one. The numbness is well, fine. But that’s just it- everything is fine. Every day is the same, I’m still fine. I don’t feel suicidal anymore, which is a blessing in itself. I feel fine. But being fine comes at the expense of everything else. Seldom do I feel happiness, or excitement, or joy- I haven’t had a good hearty laugh in a long time. I walk around feeling lost, my days are consistently 5 out of 10. The nights are a little worse.

Do you know the point where you feel the tears just about to well up in your eyes, before they roll down your face? Before the warm tears wash away whatever it was that was wrong? That’s me! That’s where I’m at, on the verge of tears all day, but not quite. No release for me, no sir.

Without sounding all self pitying, and like I’m wallowing in my own sorrow I’d like to say firstly that this is a horrible experience. This is the first time I’ve put this into writing, but yes, it is- a horrible experience. 

A horrible experience that I’m very grateful for. Does anything truly happen in vain? A wise man once told me we learn from everything we do, everything we go through. I have some lovely family and friends around me, but this isn’t their journey to make. As long as I’m learning, it makes the feelings of loneliness and purposeless all… for a reason. Everything happens for a reason… This is my journey to make.

  • Artist: Demo Cast
  • Track: Beacon of Positivity
  • Album: Legally Blonde: The Musical (Demo Recording)

[Beacon of Positivity- Laurence O’Keefe]

Here’s a a song that was cut from Legally Blonde, and was only recorded with the demo cast. This would have been good in the show, no?

  • Artist: Singin' In The Rain
  • Track: Good Morning
  • Album: Singin' In The Rain - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
The smallest deed is greater than the grandest intention.
Patti LaBelle
Buuggaawwww! We open on Thursday! I’m excited. Well, excited and nervous. Are they the same thing? I once heard someone say that they were. Anyway! We have rehearsals later, technical run of the first act; fun! But first, I’ve got to get through Beauty and the Beast rehearsals. I’m going to be knackered this evening! Yay!
But yeah! Come and see! The flyer has the details- It’s going to be an awesome show.

Buuggaawwww! We open on Thursday! I’m excited. Well, excited and nervous. Are they the same thing? I once heard someone say that they were. Anyway! We have rehearsals later, technical run of the first act; fun! But first, I’ve got to get through Beauty and the Beast rehearsals. I’m going to be knackered this evening! Yay!

But yeah! Come and see! The flyer has the details- It’s going to be an awesome show.

  • Artist: William Finn
  • Track: 25th Annual Putnam Spelling Bee
  • Album: 25th Annual Putnam Spelling Bee Original Soundtrack

[The 25th Annual Putnam Spelling Bee- William Finn, 2004]

Ahh, what a way to start the day!

Also! This is magical!